Dearest freshman – I realize that this is your first day of class at the big, scary University of Minnesota. I realize that you are one in 6,000 new students on campus this semester, and that this is overwhelming. I remember being in your shoes, but I was only one in 1,000. You have many late nights of studying and drinking in your future, you will learn a lot in the next four years and change the world someday…yada yada yada. But dearest Freshman, there are a few things you will need to learn quickly, as to not jeopardize your life at the hands of the upperclassmen and graduate students you share this campus with:
To the freshman hipsters – while your fixed gear bike may be awesome, it belongs in the street, not on the sidewalk. If this street + bike riding thing scares you, wear a helmet, your hair looks like shit anyways, it’s a win win situation.
To the texting freshman – is there anything so important that you are texting while walking in a sea of hundreds of people trying to get to class? Certainly not, I am sure it’s just you OMG-ing over some super hot football player in your first class…get over it, he drives a scooter, they all do! Please get off of your phone while walking on the sidewalk. You are completely unaware of your surroundings, which just pisses everyone else off. You are going to text through your whole class anyways…I’m sure whatever it is can wait 5 minutes.
To the procrastinating freshman – I just attempted to purchase poster board at the bookstore on campus. Any other day in the past 3 months, this would have taken me all of 5 minutes, but not today. You and all of your friends were in the bookstore, presumably on your “lunch break”, purchasing all of your books for class, a few spiral bound notebooks, some pens, a dry erase board for your dorm room door….my goodness! Are these not things you could have purchased BEFORE the first day of school?! This procrastinating thing is something you are going to need to work on, it will not serve you well for the next 4 years. Please also let the girl in front of me that bought chapstick and a headband, that could have waited….She waited in line for 25 minutes, like I did, to buy coconut lime chapstick and a maroon headband with a gopher on it…seriously?!
To the freshman girls (yes, all of them) – is it just me or are you guys getting more and more slutty every year? At the risk of sounding lame and old, I am just going to say it: Put on some freaking clothes! (Knee high leather boots do not count as clothing.) It is the coldest day we have had in MONTHS and you are wearing a miniskirt and a tank top to class? I hope you have alternatives for the winter… P.S., it is going to be very difficult to get on a scooter while wearing that miniskirt.
With much love and your best interest at heart,